'Alexa's mom had full custody': Mom pays for 25-year-old daughter's wedding, refuses to pay for 30-year-old stepdaughter's wedding despite husband's protest

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Jan 25, 2025 3:00 PM EST

Weddings are expensive endeavors. You need a venue, a cake, drinks, and some kind of decoration. Even if you do it on the cheap, those things add up. This is why many new couples rely on family for a little monetary backing. It might be the family's final push of support before they go off to build a new family of their own. Or at least that's the traditional way of looking at things. And weddings are usually built on tradition, in some form or another, even if you end up flaunting convention at every turn. 

Things tend to get complicated, though, when there's family involved. Different family members can have conflicting interests, and they might end up coming to a head. This is especially true when it comes to money. When you mix money and family, things are bound to go wrong, even for the most functional ones. 

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    Cheezburger Image 10458685440
    via Unsplash+ (Ave Calvar)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • And if you're a parent with multiple children, questions might come up about how best to divide your funds (and attention) between them. It might seem fair to do an even split, but what about blended families? Is it still fair even when one parent saves way more money than the other parent? That's what happened in this story. Read on for the details and see what you think. 

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    AITA for paying for one daughter's wedding?

    I 45 female am married to John 50 male. We have 2 daughters (one together, Hannah 25, and one from his previous relationship, Alexa 30).
    via u/Pure_Discussion9971
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    Alexa is older and always got everything knew and Hannah always got the hand me downs. She never had much of her "own" things so I wanted to make her wedding special.
    via u/Pure_Discussion9971
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    Both of the girls have gotten engaged. I told Hannah I would pay for her wedding. I have been saving her whole life. Alexa asked John if he and her bio mom would be paying for her wedding and he said no. He said she should have a wedding that her and her fiance can afford.
    via u/Pure_Discussion9971
  • 05
    The girls went to get lunch the other day and alexa found out I was paying for Hannah's wedding. Alexa called John crying that it's unfair I am paying for Hannah's wedding.
    via u/Pure_Discussion9971
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    John thinks we should split the money evenly between the two girls. I told him no because I was the one who had been saving the money. I told him if he'd like to pay for Alexa's wedding then he should speak with her mother for them to see how much they could help.
    via u/Pure_Discussion9971
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    John asked if I would be willing to give any money that is left from Hannah's wedding to Alexa. I told him no I was giving Hannah the whole account and she could spend the money on what she wants. AITA?
    via u/Pure_Discussion9971
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    Edit: just to answer some common questions. • When I got pregnant with Hannah John asked me to be a stay at home mom. During that time John was in charge of all the finances. That is why Hannah always had hand me downs because John said he wasn't going to buy her something new if we had something that worked.
    via u/Pure_Discussion9971
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    • I started working when Hannah was 10 years old. At that time John and I decided he would split Alexa's costs with her mother and that we would split Hannah's costs. During that conversation I told John that I would be making a savings account for Hannah. At the time I said I hoped I could save enough
    via u/Pure_Discussion9971
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    money to pay for her wedding or a down payment on a house. Obviously not knowing how much I'd save. We didn't talk about it again because there wasn't a need to. Once I started working our finances were separate.
    via u/Pure_Discussion9971
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    • Alexa's mom had full custody and we had her every other weekend. During those weekends John made all her parenting decisions.
    via u/Pure_Discussion9971
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    Commenters weighed in on who they thought was in the right

    subsailor1968 · 20h ago NTA That is indeed a talk that should be between Alexa's parents.
    via u/subsailor1968
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    CinnamonBlue • 20h ago John has realised what a sh parent he is by not providing for his child as you have for yours. Now he's trying to make it your problem. It's not; it's his and his ex's. Gave Hannah the money and don't be an AH to her.
    via u/CinnamonBlue
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    B
    via Unsplash+ (Ave Calvar)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    Silent_Morning692 • 20h ago NTA but this should have been discussed a long time ago....
    via u/Silent_Morning692
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    Specialist-Leek-6... • 20h ago "He said she should have a wedding that her and her fiance can afford." What happened to this conviction? YWBTA if you cave and split the money, he and her bio mother have that responsibility, you don't.
    via u/Specialist-Leek-6927
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    G... • 20h ago Edited 20h ago . You are holding it against your stepdaughter that you took her old clothes for your daughter rather than buying new ones? I'd do the same thing, but what does wearing hand me downs have to do with a wedding?
    via u/GundyGalois
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    Technically, NTA because it's your money and so forth, but that stretch of a justification makes me think that deep down, you know this might not be the best decision. You are certainly communicating to your stepdaughter that you don't view her as a true daughter. Again, that's your right in some sense, but she also has a right to treat you accordingly. I would.
    via u/GundyGalois
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    wlfwrtr 20h ago • NTA She has two parents to pay for her wedding. Husband is just trying to look like a good guy to his daughter without having to spend any money on her. Stick to your guns, sounds like your daughter deserves this win.
    via u/wlfwrtr
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    bopperbopper • 20h ago Everyone's telling you to split the money but no one saying hey why didn't John save anything for his daughter?
    via u/bopperbopper
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    starfire92 19h ago NTA • John is making you his scapegoat for his choice, more than once, to not save money for his daughter. You told him about this when the girls were young. You discussed this when they were engaged and both times
    via u/starfire92
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    he basically said Alexa can deal with it herself. Only when he came under fire is he trying to backpedal so that he doesn't take the brunt of the scrutiny by relying on the work you've done for years. What an easy way out.
    via u/starfire92
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    Constantly say multiple times he's not going to pay for his daughters wedding and dig his heels into it, and then try and fallback on your sacrifice and nest egg to bail him out so he doesn't look bad. His ex also didn't do it.
    via u/starfire92
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    Anyone saying this will worsen your relationship with Alexa might be right, but it's really not your fault. Alexa isn't 15 or 20 where she's an adolescent adjusting to a stepmom. She's a full grown adult at 30 and for her to put this blame on you instead of
    via u/starfire92
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    her own parents choices is her fault. For her to blame you is misdirecting the blame when you've had this conversation with John in the past and he's always know about it.
    via u/starfire92
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    T... • • 20h ago Edited 19h ago NTA. You've been saving specifically for your child, while your ex has not. That's not your problem and you're under no obligation to split the money between the two girls.
    via u/Thimblepeople
  • 27
    Yeah it's a situation for the girls but it's up to your ex to support his children on his own terms now that they're adults. If he hasn't set aside money for their weddings there's no money to give either of them. But thats no reason for you to change your financial plans.
    via u/Thimblepeople
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    Edit: I've just realised I misread the post and that you're still married to your partner, not separated. This changes my feelings in that typically married couples have joint finances and make financial decisions together. So the wedding fund situation should have been disclosed and discussed when you began saving.
    via u/Thimblepeople

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Wedding Themes family drama bride marriage wedding party blended family stepmom mean wedding story brides wedding cake family reddit thread Reddit mom weddings
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